Verbal Opposition
by mistress amethyst une
Summary: One-shot. "I see those bushes you call eyebrows still haven't been pruned. Is Satan's gardener still on vacation?" Heero looks on as Dorothy gives Relena lessons on feminine warfare.


**Disclaimer: **GW = not mine

**Author's Note:** I always loved this exchange from Blades of Glory: "I see you got fat." "I see you still look like a fifteen year old girl, but not hot."

**Verbal Opposition  
by mistress amethyst une**

Heero typed away at his latest report with a strange zeal. Today, he had been made privy to how women did battle without spilling a single drop of blood. He couldn't afford to lose this data, and he was thoroughly committed to recording his findings lest he forget a single detail.

* * *

**Attire**

In preparation for meeting with a female adversary, a woman is strategic in her appearance. Make-up is not merely war paint. She uses it to enhance her face's flattering features to maximum effect. Beauty is intimidation. Her hair is worn up. Should a physical altercation arise, she does not want to make it easy for the enemy to grab her by the hair. Her long fingernails are painted red with a glossy polish. One can assume she has selected red to hide the blood that could potentially stain her claws. She selects shoes that elevate her so she may look down on the enemy. Most importantly, she wears simple stud earrings. This marks her as a novice in battle.

* * *

_"Take those off," ordered Dorothy._

_"But-"_

_"You're not ready for those earrings, Relena."_

_"This is my favorite pair!"_

_"They dangle. Hand them over."_

_Pouting, Relena removed the golden teardrops from her ears._

_"You only wear dangling earrings to battle if you're absolutely certain you won't be attacked," lectured Dorothy, placing the earrings back into Relena's jewelry box as she selected a more modest pair. "Earrings are the mark of a woman who knows nobody will dare stand in her way. The more ostentatious the pair, the more confident and deadly the wearer. Wearing a heavy pair hurts your ears with time so it also shows you can take pain as well as you can dish it out. Weak idiots who dare take the risk of wearing these and forget to take them off before fighting end up earless. Here, wear these."_

_Dorothy handed Relena a pair of simple diamond studs. Despite her apparent disgruntlement, she graciously took them and put them on._

_"But you wear those sapphire chandeliers to every party..."_

_"Relena, have I ever been in a cat fight?"_

_"No... But neither have I."_

_"And why do you think that is?" smirked the heiress. "On this battlefield, _I'm_ your protector. No offense, but Heero can't do shit here."_

_Heero observed this exchange from his seat in the corner, choosing to ignore Dorothy's inflammatory remark. He knew better than to interrupt. Relena had asked Dorothy to give her 'bitch lessons' for tonight's ESUN ball, and she had told him that the best way he could help was to stay out of her way. A particularly vicious diplomat by the name of Mabel Hart would be making an appearance, and Relena, much as she hated to admit it, was running scared. She had attended St. Gabriel's with Mabel and the girl had never quite forgiven Relena for being everyone's darling. Caution was always the better part of valor..._

_

* * *

_

**Rules for Verbal Opposition**

Showing signs of irritation indicates an immediate loss.

Crying indicates an immediate loss.

Stooping to physical violence indicates an immediate loss.

Being shocked into a long awkward silence indicates an immediate loss.

Making a weak response can be compensated for.

First blood is not an advantage. It opens you to attack and indicates that the opponent's mere presence makes you insecure enough to make a careless strike.

The best battle is the one not fought. You both end as victors, masters of emotional control despite your hatred for one another.

* * *

_"I see you got fat," blurted Dorothy as she zipped up the back of Relena's dress._

_Relena's mouth fell open. "You- I- Wha-"_

_"And you just lost... Come on, Relena, give me something to work with. Insult me."_

_"But..."_

_Dorothy twirled the princess around, looking her in the eye._

_"Say all the things you tell Heero about me behind my back."_

_"What? That's ridiculous! I never talk about you behind your-"_

_Dorothy raised an eyebrow._

_"Well, maybe a little," she admitted. "Still-"_

_"Just insult me."_

_Relena bit her lip, uneasy about the whole situation. "You're not very nice."_

_Heero found himself shaking his head in disbelief. Dorothy's palm collided with her forehead. Was this a hopeless cause?_

_"Come on, even I know you're gutsier than this. Offend me!"_

_"But we're friends! I can't-"_

_"Do I need to get the ball rolling again? Let me repeat myself. Relena, you've gotten fat. Honestly, you're huge. Big as a house."_

_Silence. Were Relena's eyes starting to water?_

_"Really fat," emphasized Dorothy. "Seems you're enjoying your baking a bit too much. Then again, who else would enjoy it? Your cookies aren't even good enough for canine consumption. Oh my God, are those tears? Are you gonna cry on me, Relena? Are you gonna cry? You're even more pitiful than I thought. I wonder how Heero-"_

_Heero practically bolted from his seat. He wasn't going to be ammunition for hurting Relena's feelings. He needn't have bothered. The fuse had been lit and Relena was a live firecracker._

_"My cookies are just great!" she blurted, angrily wiping at the stupid tears she let fall. "I didn't see your husband complaining about them, bitch! You can't even cook to save your life!"_

_"And there we go!" congratulated Dorothy. "See, you do have it in you. Now, you just have to deliver it calmly next time. Pissing you off and making you cry is the goal, after all."_

_Heero noted from how Relena trembled that it was taking all her self-control not to slap Dorothy senseless._

_"Don't even think about hitting me," added Dorothy. "Violence is for barbarians. Also, it's bad press. Mabel would love it if you hit her."_

_Taking another deep breath, Relena regained her composure. "I see those bushes you call eyebrows still haven't been pruned. Is Satan's gardener still on vacation?"_

_Dorothy grinned. "That's my girl. Now let's go wash that face and reapply your make-up."_

_

* * *

_

**Engaging the Enemy**

Upon meeting the enemy, it is best to come in peace. The enemy may not even be interested in fighting you so why give them a reason to attack? If the enemy does strike, remember the rules for verbal opposition, and hit with a blow against which your foe cannot retaliate. The best battles end with the defeated being dumbstruck as the victor walks away unscathed. The worst escalate into disgusting shouting matches and physical violence frowned upon by all in polite society.

* * *

_"Good evening, Mabel," smiled Relena. "It's been awhile, hasn't it?"_

_"I see you got fat," she stated, sipping her champagne._

_Why was everybody saying that? Was she really putting on- _

_No! She couldn't afford distraction and insecurity. She had to strike. Heero eyed her from across the ballroom, anticipating her response on his earpiece._

_"And you still have the figure of a teenage boy. Intend to hit puberty anytime soon?"_

_She could've knocked Mabel over with a feather. Apparently, she had thought she could immobilize Relena with the one insult she'd prepared. The woman had been expecting the fifteen year old darling she'd gone to school with, not this-_

_"Hi bitch," beamed Dorothy, tapping Relena on the shoulder. "And who could this be?"_

_"Dorothy, this is Mabel. We went to St. Gabriel's together."_

_"Oh, is that so? I'm Dorothy Catalonia."_

_Mabel found difficulty in composing a reply. "M-mabel Hart," she stuttered. "Excuse me, I think I hear someone calling for me."_

_Dorothy gave Relena a knowing smile as Mabel disappeared into the crowd. "I think we need to get you some bigger earrings, princess."_

_

* * *

_

Yep, more silliness. Had a lot of fun with this one... :p


End file.
